Many times we want to blame someone or investigate our breakup to get closure, but in the end, the result is the same. The relationship is over and we must move from here.
After you lose the fairy tale picture of your family, it takes some alone time to grieve.
To get through this you must:
Grieve through the shock,
Grieve through the story in your mind, that is no longer there.
Grieve the good times.
Grieve through all the time and energy spend on the relationship.
Our heart breaks when we think about how life will not be the way it was before.
Our heart struggles with the "what if's."
A million things run through our minds when we are dealing with loss.
Do want feels right for you, look at old pictures, write in a journal, talk to a friend, just fall apart into all of your emotions.
It is the only way out!
Failing to grieve will create resentment and bitterness in your life.
If you can take the time needed you will get through with a better mental state. Giving yourself grace and time will help you start to move forward with clarity.
As single parents, we have all had many sleepless nights and long internal conversations about the “how” of everything.
We spend so much time anticipating “how to make this happen?”
How to survive as a single parent?
How will the children handle this situation?
How to make sure the kids are happy?
How to make ends meet?
How to get two kids to school on time and still make it to work on time?
There are millions of “How” questions, but when you look at those little faces and see the “Why!”
Then you start to be motivated in a million different ways.
Remember you are stronger than you know!
Feeling overwhelmed with guilt about divorce or the end of a relationship?
I get it, I have been there. I used to feel like I was going to ruin my daughter’s life if I left. I was willing to wait until she was done with high school. The crazy part was she was only five at the time.
It wasn't long before I realized that I would be ruining both of our lives if I stayed in an unhealthy relationship. I kept thinking this is not the woman I want my daughter to grow up to be. What kind of role model am I portraying?
Common triggers for getting out of the relationship are:
If there is any kind of verbal, mental, or physical abuse.
If you have tried over and over and both parties agree this isn’t working.
When you are just settling to be in a relationship and not alone.
Physical first steps once you decide to leave:
1. Get Out
2. Find a safe place to go
3. Look for the support you need.
Mental first steps:
1. Breathe, you are stronger than you realize.
2. Believe in your ability to do this.
3. You just need to do the next right thing. you do not have to have it all figured out.
Remember not to validate the way you are being treated. Know you are worth so much more. We often think it is ok, to be mistreated because we haven’t been perfect or we are not worthy of anything else.
This is a ridiculous story that we tell ourselves because we do not have the self-esteem we should.
Instead of feeling guilty, think about what kind of relationships you want for your children.
Do you want them to settle?
Do you want them to feel unhappy?
Of course not, be the parent you want your child to model.
When your whole world is changing, it is hard to figure out what is next, these steps will help with the transition.
1. Listen to whatever your child wants to say, remember no emotions are wrong. Hear and acknowledge what they are saying without judgment or your opinion.
2. Give them time alone to process. Everyone has their way of dealing with things.
3. Remind them of how wonderful they are, all the time.
4. The best gift you can give is your undivided attention. Work hard to give them your time, your energy, and love.
5. Set a new routine, and follow it every day to provide a structure back into life.
6. Create new traditions and try to make them as fun as possible.
7. Celebrate the small wins in your family.
The New Normal doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's just different! Make it the best you can.
Many times the hardest thing we have to do is to accept where we are:
The 5 Rules for acceptance…
1. Clarify this is what happened and you can’t change the past.
2. Take responsibility for your part, if you feel it necessary to do so.
3. Notice how it makes you feel, notice that it is over now.
4. Think about how you want to feel. Be present, hold your head up, and breathe deeply into this moment.
5. Do steps 1-5 as many times as you need.